amarah

kerna api itu menjadi bisa

merosak semua yang sudah terbina

tidaklah amarah itu positif selalunya

akhir kesan tidak membawa gembira

yang tinggal hanya duka dan bezanya suasana.

Dekad Baharu

Aku hilang sepanjang 2020.

Lupa bahawa aku ada kewajipan untuk blog di sini.

Bukan apa, pandemik yang berlaku buat aku utamakan apa yang perlu dahulu. Masuk saja hari ini, terus aku disajikan dengan template Blogger. Hebat juga akaun aku masih ada, syukur juga pada masa sama.

Blog inilah yang menyaksikan perubahan diri aku, penulisan dan pandangan.

Arkib penulisan hidup aku banyak di sini, dan kadangkala aku buka catitan lama untuk renungkan kembali apa yang telah berlaku pada aku dahulu.

2021, banyak yang berubah. 

Not a great start of decade.

Pandemik betul-betul merubah cara aku hidup. 

2020, menyaksikan aku hilang kerja. Perkara yang aku tidak pernah sangka berlaku dalam karier. Tetapi, Allah itu tahu apa yang terbaik. Aku diselamatkan oleh individu dalam syarikat itu sendiri. Aku sangat bersyukur.

Karier baharu ini berlainan. Tiada lagi bermalam mengedit, tiada lagi keluar shooting sambil menimba pengalaman baharu.

Hidup aku kini 9AM - 6PM. Mesyuarat di depan komputer - tiada lagi temuramah.

Circles kerja aku kini juga berubah. Teman-teman lama ramai yang terkorban - dek kerana retrenchment decision yang aku kira begitu tidak adil bagi kami. 

Tapi pentas baharu karier ini banyak membuka mata aku. Banyak sisi lain syarikat yang aku tidak pernah tahu sebelum ini, aku tahu. 

Majikan juga personalitinya berbeza, dan aku disajikan dengan layanan management yang jauh lebih baik dari sebelum ini - yang sifatnya lebih menjurus ke arah seniority.

Tetapi rasa rindu itu tetap ada. Jiwa aku, jiwa bercerita - jiwa kembara. Aku suka merakam cerita benar, jauh dari tugas aku sekarang. Melihat rakan wartawan yang masih bertugas, kadang aku meronta dalam hati ingin keluar.

Tetapi aku teringat kata-kata seorang rakan - 

"Mungkin ini masa kau bersama keluarga. sebelum ini kan kau selalu bermalam di pejabat."

Benar sungguh katanya.

Kehidupan keluarga aku pula semakin menarik. Melihat kedua anak makin membesar membuat aku makin cakna tentang perancangan hidup.

Alhamdulillah, kami juga dapat secure sebuah rumah. Mungkin tahun ini berpindah. Tidak pernah aku sangka saat pandemik ini - di waktu orang kehilangan kerja, aku boleh membeli rumah.

Melihat kembali dekad lalu, penuh warna sungguh.

Dalam masa 10 tahun (bermula 2010). 

Aku graduate , menganggotai band muzik, mengalami tiga kisah percintaan yang berbeza (yang ketiga berakhir dengan perkahwinan), berpeluang merasai karier wartawan, menjejakkan kaki ke beberapa buah negara, berkahwin dan menjadi bapa kepada dua orang anak.

Jika tiada apa yang menarik berlaku pada aku dekad baharu ini, mungkin highlight of my life will be during these years (2010 - 2020).

Panjang lebar aku menulis, mungkin baharu sekarang ada masa.

Aku harap dekad baharu ini penuh warna positif untuk aku dan keluarga.

Insya Allah.

kisah.

Dua bintang bersinar terang,

Menerangi kegelapan setiap seorang

Bersama tidak dijangka alam

Bertaut tidak dirancang-rancang.

Hai dua bintang ketika itu penuh senyum,

Saling gembira bukan kepalang

Cakerawala dirasa bagai syurga

Isi hati masing terisi bunga.

Tapi bintang alahai bintang,

Bersinar terang terpisahnya jauh,

Cakerawala luas mustahil bersatu.

Cahayanya hilang,  hanya tinggal - rindu.

kosongnya jiwa.

Matinya jiwa, tanpa orang tersayang di sisi.
Hidup aku sibuk menjaga mereka yang penting, hingga kadang aku lupa betapa pentingnya menjaga hati mereka.

Alhamdulillah, anak kedua lahir - Khalid Bakti diberi nama.
Khalid, nama sahabat nabi. Bijaknya tiada tara, tenangnya tidak terbanding - legasi disebut hingga akhir masa.
Bakti, harapan kami supaya anak bakal menabur jasa. Berbaik tidak kira dengan siapa.

Isteri sedang berehat di kampung, sambung aku bekerja di sini.

Hambar sunyi di rumah, sudah lama tidak aku rasa begini.
Rasa sunyi, kosong - seakan tiada motif hidupnya.

"Patutlah aku dahulu workaholic"

Tersenyum aku sendiri. 

Bila sendiri, rasa syukur itu terbit - betapa bahagianya bila isteri dan anak di sisi. Biarpun penatnya tidak terperi.

Biarlah letih, asalkan hati sentiasa hidup.

break ups and separations.

I didn't know how to interpret feelings properly.
especially when it comes to break ups, separations or someone close leaving..

This year has been tough.
I lost few who are dear and close...
I don't know, posting something social media to appreciate them feels like an injustice.
it feels so small and so easy.

Just write stuff to appreciate them and there you go.

Aside from my close one and my daughters coming into this world.
2018 and 2019 has been rubbish so far.

doing things I don't love, company in jeopardy, financial in tatters.

I am glad my wife is there.

Wife, I know you will not be reading this. but know that I appreciate you in any way I can.

factory.

I am now doing live program.

It was exciting at first...

... but it could never beat the satisfaction of completing a documentary.

It is hard to be a journalist/story teller in this country. Where few appreciate things you've done, even your big boss doesn't seems to see the potential of our department.

When I see the big numbers of cash top managements splash on movies and entertainment stuff... I can only wonder what we, documentary makers can do with that amount of money...

... and How far can we dig onto the story.

Frustrating, but I think this is what life is now.

I hope the future is there for us.

of past and present.

I will be lying if I've never think about how it will be if I take the other options in life.

The other decisions.

What if I turns back time, and make different calls in life.
Will it be different? Will I be happier?

It's not that I'm not happy with how things going now.
It's just that these past weeks I have been thinking what will happen if my life turns the other way.

Curiosity. Curious. Ingin tahu, sungguh.

Qaseh Khadijah

21 January 2018, 8:58AM.

When I hold her tight in my arm...
... My whole world, priority and perspective changes.

It is surreal. I don't know how to describe it fully.

As I started my azan, she looks directly at me.
Just the three of us, in the labor room.
it was beautiful moment, the one I won't ever forget.
She kept quiet throughout the azan, calmly listening.
It felt like she understands every words that I recites.

Allahu Akbar.

I am not a perfect person, but I will try to be one for her.
I know this will be a tough year for us.
but, I will make sure you will grow up happy.
Daddy and Mommy will be here for you...

... our dear Qaseh Khadijah.

anxious.

In a few days, my wife will be 9 months pregnant.

Many things flew in and out of my head.
I am scared, yet I am happy.

Life after marriage, is different.
I admit, it is hard..
but somehow I still manage to hold on.

Life is not as luxurious as before,
but I'm happier.

and I guess that's important.

To be happy, than to be alone.

I used to be very skeptical on marriage.
questioning on why people commit when they're not ready financially.

I have the answer now.

You can never be ready, if you don't have a target.

Once I met her, I know what my target is, what my dreams are.

Now, our little ones will be born, Insya Allah.
Things will be more challenging, but I hope I am ready to manage.

Iri.duri.

Alhamdulillah,
Hampir tiga bulan kami berdua, Insya Allah, jika diizinkan tuhan tidak lama lagi, bertiga.

Rezeki kebahagiaan ini hanya tuhan sahaja mampu beri.
Tidak sangka hamba-mu yang penuh dengan kesilapan dan kecacatan ini, masih lagi diberi peluang untuk hidup bahagia.

Bahagia itu subjektif, di rumah aku terasa bagai syurga.
Setiap kali lihat wajah si-dia, aku rasa seperti di awangan.

"Aku harap perasaan ini berkekalan, dan aku harap kami sentiasa begini hingga akhir hayat"

Namun, di tempat kerja, aku rasa hambarnya begitu terasa.

Entah kenapa, sejak tahun lepas suasananya berubah sungguh.
Dahulu, aku mudah berhubung dengan semua, semuanya baik sahaja. Akrab.

Kini, aku rasa begitu jauh terpisahnya ukhwah.
Bukan semua, namun dengan segelintir individu yang pernah aku rapat dahulu.


Dahulu,
Tiap kali bertemu, paling kurang senyuman akan dilemparkan.
Setiap kali ada masa, borak panjang itu wajib.
Bertukar cerita, berkongsi pengalaman, ketawa.
Tidak janggal, rapatnya ukhwah terasa bagai adik beradik meskipun jauh jarak umurnya.

Kini,
berubah sama sekali, contradict.
Bila terserempak tidak bertegur, apatah lagi senyum.
Kadang aku terfikir, salah apa pula aku sudah buat ni?

Bukan seorang, dengan sahabat yang paling rapat juga begitu,
Dahulu segala perkara dicerita bagai tidak berhenti.
Kini, pelik tiba-tiba diasingkan aku tanpa usul bicara.

Aku pun, mungkin ego, malas mahu mengambil tahu.
Silap langkah juga daripada pihak aku.
Mengenang diri diasingkan kadangkala timbul juga iri, dengki.
Namun aku buang semua itu, tiada faedah pun.

Tidak guna mengeruhkan keadaan.

Aku harap ada insan akan bercerita kepada aku, kenapa sampai begini jadinya...
Adakah wujud pemutar cerita penyebab cela dalam perhubungan,
atau aku sendiri yang bersalah tanpa sedar.

Wallahualam.

Aku harap semuanya akan menjadi baik.
Kerana doa aku sentiasa ditujukan kepada kebahagiaan keluarga, isteriku dan rakan-rakan.

debar.

... dan masa yang singkat itu, membuatkan aku selalu terfikir sendirian sekarang.

Hidup bakal berubah, rutin dan keutamaan tidak akan sama.
Selepas ini semuanya bakal diputuskan berdua.
Cabaran hidup, momen indah, sedih, duka semuanya berdua.

Tuhan, aku minta semuanya dipermudahkan.
Kekalkanlah kami bersama hingga ke akhir usia,
berikanlah kami kehidupan yang bahagia.

Jika kami diuji, kuatkanlah hati kami, permudahkanlah perjalanan ujian itu.

amin.

Hard.

It is not easy to just throw one of the most important phase of your life away, to just forget.

I can't.

I want to move on, yes I can, but to forget and think like it has never happened. I can't.
It won't do any justice to the wonderful things that has happened.

No, I don't want to turn and get back like we used to.
I have someone else to care for now.

I just don't want to remove the memories I have with you.
Instead, I want to cherish that memory from start until the end.

I am deleting the visuals and pictures of our time together,
but I will never forget you.

kita ada misi.

You can never predict your future.

You can work for it, but somehow you can never predict what will happen along the way.

The future may be the thing you want, but sometimes it may not be the thing you dream of.

Looking back on how my life back then, my routine and my decisions is like seeing a different man and different person. A stranger I must say.

Months left before the big day...

I can't wait, somehow...

I promised a good life, but I don't promise it to be sweet , unchallenged.

Challenges grows us, and I hope we can grow together.

I know it was you when I first saw you.

alternate.

Have you ever wondered if there are any alternate universe of your life?
Universe which created upon every decision you have made throughout your whole life.

I always think, what happen if I chose B instead of A,
If I decide not to entertain the text from a girl I knew 6 years ago,
If I decide to walk away from broadcasting industry,

If I decide, 4 years ago not to text that girl, whom I though was living in Kuching but instead she is from the States above the wind,
If I decide to stay with that girl, and go through challenges which I believe is impossible.

What if?

A simple question that always haunt most of us,

Not that I'm regretting the path I have now.
I'm grateful.

It's just sometimes curiosity can led us to think about things that didn't matter anymore,
worse, it can led us to abandon things that matter.

I wish I am not that kind of person.

overlooked.

I tend to be overlooked at.

I don't know, on every circles of friends I'm in, I will tend to be overlooked at.

It's not that they didn't recognize or even favors me, but in any scenario I will be the last person they want to be together with.

"The last straw ... the last option,"

"least preferred to be with"

Not that they hate me, but I believe that I don't have much chemistry with most people, or I chose not to try that chemistry, I don't know.

... and now I just realized that it's not just in the circles of friends, but family too.

Sad, but I can accept it, 

I want things to go my way, I didn't really think I should do this and that to accomplish things.

I want to live on my own accord.

I may seem normal, but my mind is not.

It's frustrated that when it comes to others help will come in abundance, but not me.

Somehow, I am okay with this. I guess I am adapting...

... to live with my own accord.

A new dawn.

I still remember, at this exact same month, last year, I was a different person.

My set of goals is different, my mindset is different and I don't believe in commitments before getting rich.

Guess it's going to change now,
I don't know, people change.

It's the order of nature, things will change...

... and hopefully it's for the better.

shutter freak.

I used to be a shutter freak.

Wherever I go, I will bring my big dslr camera hanging around my neck ready to serve whenever I am in need.

Every moment, every scene, will be recorded.

It lasted only for four years though, a good four years.

Now whenever I open back my archive, those four years will always be the most memorable ones.
Because I recorded it well, and everytime I tell myself I need to take pictures again.

I will forget about it the next day, until I open back my archive the next time.

I don't know. Maybe I am not a shutter freak anymore, maybe the passion isn't there.

Hello.

I might be back.
I said that I want to post pictures, brings colors to this faded blog once again.

I couldn't.

Life is somehow weird this year. I foolishly lost someone dear to me early this year, couldn't really recover, lost someone important in my life, my fault.

but it is for the better, for both of us, I believe.

Life must go on, and I am looking forward to this new life.

You only live once, better make sure you live it with a great partner.

The lady in red.

This time, it is different,
I am the one who inflicted the damage,
but that doesn't mean I am not hurt.

This time, it hurts so bad, I wish there's a time machine where I can make things right again.

but that's not how this world works.

We used to go on a film dates frequently.
I will keep the tickets and put it on a clipboard, in my room.
I even kept our first film date ticket, and that marks our anniversary date.
used to.

Everything inside this room, reminds me of her, my lady in red, used to.

Life must go on,
I take off all the tickets, all the gift, all the books, everything reminds me of her, inside a box.

A box I may not open again.

All is done, and i take the final look.

Indeed, she is my lady in red,

the scarf she gave me before I took on my 48 days journey two years ago, is in red.
special coke that I made with her name on it, but never get to send it to her, is in red.
my first gift box for her, is in red.
our first football match VIP ticket, is in red.

I put it all in the box, and keep it safe somewhere.
It is to precious to be thrown away.

but, a gold pen, she gave me on my birthday last year,
I kept it, I will use it.

The gold pen has a special words on it, from her to me...

"chase your dream"

I will dear, I will.

I am sorry I have to end this wonderful relationship,
but if god willing, and I have achieved my dreams.

and you're still there.
I will come back, for good.

thank you,
my lady in red, used to.

it ends.

"I wish to work for us to happen"

was nine months ago.

She was the best, the most precious person I ever been with.
but I just couldn't work it anymore.

She meant for someone else, someone better.

I can't.

"I don't know how to end this conversation" she said.

Me too, didn't know what to say either.

Distance seems permanent, like there is no date clarifying her return.
Frustration, mounting.
She use to be near, whatever happen, I'll be there. Now I just can't.

I can't be there when things hit her hard.

Maybe it is better to hurt now, than later.

"ok" she said,

"ok" I replied.

"beep", the tone heard. end of call.

I never knew a 'beep' can hurt you so much.

now I know.