I never thought that my eyes will be given chance to see things that many people couldn't.

A chance to travel and widen my perspective.
2 months gone, and the memories seems closer yet distant.

Will i have the opportunity to experience this kind of trip again, I don't know.

but what I know, I am thanking god for every chance He gives me.

poor.

Poor past, if manipulated rightly,

will be a strength for us to be better.

I've been doing it a few times, it's hurt getting back in time, remembering poor memories of mine.
but it helps, it reminds me of what I want to be,
what I want to achieve,

and what I want to prove.

chapters.

One will experience miracles,
One will experience love,
and one will experience pain.

but to experience it all in a short span of time,
is simply quite hard.

It's a wonder how we can move, from loving one to another, in just over a few years.

Precious love should be appreciated,
if it is not, it is a love to forget.

tinjau balik kenangan.

Mengenang balik masa lampau, dan kisah ramai mengenai Cameron Highlands.

Jika ada rezeki, aku ingin bermastautin di sini.

Itupun jika keadaan masih kekal seperti kini.

happy for a friend.

I met a friend last few weeks,

In our every meeting, for almost two years, this is her main topic of conversation.

"I'm worried, I have tried and met many guys, but nothing is working"

and, of course, on our every meeting, this is my replies,

"Insya Allah you will met a good man"

"Don't rush into things, try to cherish every moments when you met a man, even if it turns out to be bad"

She take the advice, and smiles.

though I can see it in her eyes, she didn't really take the advice into her hearts.

It's pitiful, she really wants it,
a life with real relationship,
where it ends with marriage.

and she wants it soon,
or I think now actually.

I helped her with ways I could,
giving her motivation that she needed,

After a few weeks,
she said she is getting married.

I'm happy.

kembali.

5 tahun dahulu,
aku mula berjinak dengan lensa kamera.

DSLR D40x, jenama NIKON, itu sahaja yang aku mampu.
habis duit ptptn untuk semester tu.

Dengan lens standard, aku bereksperimen mencuba segala skill dan menduga kreativiti mengabadikan realiti.

Zaman teruja.

Kemana saja aku pergi pasti ada beg hitam besar tersandang di bahu.
Lepak di mamak, berjalan di shopping complex, aku bawa kemana saja,
mana lah tahu ada scenery cantik.

Mula-mula aku berseorangan, kemudian ramai pula yang berkongsi rutin sama.
bawa beg kamera besar sambil DSLR disangkut dileher.

dah jadi trend pula.

Aku pedulikan semua itu, hingga terdengar suara sumbang,

"poyo lah, bawa DSLR kemana-mana, setakat tahu guna AUTO saja, baik tak payah"

Aku terasa, bukan apa, aku juga jenis yang menyangkut DSLR di leher.

Tapi tidak pula aku gemar guna AUTO. MANUAL is the way.
Shutter, Aperture, ISO, white balance. Rutin aku masa tu.

Terasa.

Terus aku jarang membawa DSLR merata, termakan kutukan jahat.

childish.

Tapi kutukan itu ada betulnya juga, trend - maka ramai juga yang beli DSLR tanpa mempraktikkan kegunaan kamera itu sebetulnya.

Kalau tiada angin masakan pohon bergoyang.

2010, D40x menghembus nafas terakhir, berhenti berfungsi.

Aku pula kekurangan wang, student, terus aku kuburkan dahulu niat mahu baiki.
Simpan cita-cita mahu kembali beraksi suatu hari nanti.

2014.

Aku kembali.
Bukan DSLR, minat aku tidak setinggi dahulu.

cukuplah sekadar point and shoot FUJIFILM X20.

Aku tak tahu jika blog ini ada pembaca setia, atau jika ada yang membaca sekalipun.
Lebih-lebih selepas aku ubah URL blog ini, atas dasar untuk meluahkan rasa dengan lebih bebas.

dan lebih emotional sebenarnya.

tapi future post, expect pictures, pictures and pictures.

Jika kalian ikut aku sejak 2008, kalian pasti perasan bahawa blog ini berubah patternnya setiap kali.

Aku pernah floodkan blog ini dengan gambar.

dan dengan gambar aku akan banjirkan blog ini untuk post seterusnya.

sekian.

stages ...

... of life.

Between teens and adulthood,
I just don't know which phase are better.

I love this phase now.
Given freedom to do anything,
and the ability to buy or do things I couldn't before.

but,
I missed teenage years.
Not enough freedom, but less stress.
Couldn't buy and do many thing, but less responsibility.

Responsibility.
is what made me miss me, 8 years ago.

time to get serious.

To take the next step in life,
is not an easy decision to make.

Will I ever be ready?
Is she is the one?

Many things need to be consider,
Finance, Stability, Knowledge
most important, oneself.

I want to make the decision someday, after I'm well prepared - fully
I am a person who think a lot,
always thought of what are the consequences of each decision made.
I will move forward when I see fit.

Think, Think, Think, Plan..

but, I believe when I found the one, I will just make the decision right away.

bait berita.

Masa jatuh dahulu,

Aku putuskan terus segala bait berita dia yang selalu muncul di paparan utama laman sosial.

Hingga kini aku percaya itu adalah keputusan terbaik.

Paling terbaik untuk ubat luka dan minda.

Minda kembali tenang, luka sudah sembuh biarpun berparut,

Kini hadir cahaya, aku gembira.

Biarpun malap, tapi hati aku suka.

Hari ini, aku buka kembali bait berita yang aku putuskan dahulu.

Dengan harapan, untuk menjenguk khabar,

sihatkah? makin waraskah?

Tidak.

Terus minda aku jadi gila.

Gila kerana bait katanya yang langsung tidak berubah.

Mesejnya tajam, cuba untuk menunjukkan rasionaliti,

Namun bahasanya kejam, seperti hilang pedoman.

Setiap perkataan pantas membidas kenyataan entah siapa yang tidak seiring dengannya.

'meroyan'

tapi dalam realiti, bukankah engkau pun begitu?

Terus aku terbayang suara kecil tinggi menyakitkan telinga.

Pantas aku tutup kembali bait berita dia.

Sebelum aku jadi gila.

Gila bukan kerana gilakan dia,

Takut penyakit gila berjangkit daripada dia.

adil.

Kadang-kadang tuhan tarik rezeki, dan beri pada yang lain.
untuk kita lihat dan sedar kembali apa yang hilang.



Aku harap aku diberi peluang.

upside down inside out.

I still remember the days when two of my friend, a couple.
fall in love, formed a formidable team, shares great chemistry,
survived two university phase together, looked like they're moving on to the next level and

then separated.

Until now I didn't see any reason why they should be, after all, they're my best friend.

I didn't know the whole story, so I just assume it's fate.

Today, both of them live a different set of life, different place, maybe different style of thinking too.
but I believe they're still the same person inside.

As a spectator from a far, I can only say, I miss our time together, as friends, embarking a journey doing assignments, exploring the unknowns, setting a dream that still today seems hard but not impossible.


I learned that, no matter how well u plan and tried to protect some things,
it can eventually turns otherwise.


You can never predict life.

terima.

when the time is right,
you will bring up that topic,
and you will ask me the ultimatum.

if things turns out bad, you will leave.

and when you leave, I promise to myself, that I will start to go out around the world,
and heal this heart.


until then, I will be prepared.

distance.

first problem, distance.

With too much things falls on me day by day, I often neglected the soul I should prioritize most.

I guess, no matter how strong one's heart is, distance could break 'em.
If it couldn't break, it will make em' fragile, unable to hold any misses anymore.

scary thought haunts,
the heart's haunted.

Hope everything will be okay,
I can't wait to repay all my debts when we met again.

pegangan.

"Hidup berlalu terlampau pantas."

quote yang sememangnya sudah banyak kali aku guna.

Tapi itulah kebenaran.

Cuma kali ini, kebenarannya tampak lebih jelas.

Dulu hidup semasa belajar,

misi dari hari ke hari ialah untuk mengalami perkara baru,

tidak mengapa tergelincir, janji pengalaman dirasa.

Pergi ke kelas, balik dari kelas, tidur.

Hidup aman, nyenyak, meskipun dibelenggu kerja rumah,

tapi, kerja rumah hanya masalah hujung semester,

selepas itu, kembali tidur, 

menikmati masa, bersama rakan alami kemeriahan hidup.

Kini, semua berubah,

hidup dari hari ke sehari membanting tulang,

untuk menikmati faedah lumayan yang sedapnya dirasa tidak lebih dua minggu.

Segala risiko diambil, bakal mengubah masa depan.

Reputasi perlu dijaga, supaya mulut orang tidak berbunyi bising.

Pengalaman dialami lebih besar, dan lebih berharga.

Tetapi untuk meraih ilmu daripada pengalaman sebegitu, korban tenaga begitu banyak.

Rakan, berubah dimensi.

Yang lama semakin mengambil haluan baru.

Tapi tidak bermakna terpisah, cuma jarang melekat.

Suasana riuh, kini sepi.

Hanya tinggal memori...

... dan pegangan yang masih kuat,

untuk mengejar mimpi.

buang masa.

Kadang-kadang,
bila aku hanyut dek kerana keinginan dan sifat terlalu teruja.

Aku renung kembali masa lalu yang gelap,
menyumpah seranah seorang diri,
memikirkan betapa bodohnya diri mengabdikan diri,
membazirkan masa, membuang tenaga,
kepada sesuatu yang tidak pasti...

... yang jelas tidak tahu apa erti syukur dan saling menghargai.

Aku pernah fikir, adakah dunia ini begitu tipikal?
Indah dihargai, meskipun isinya buruk.

Kemudian aku diam,
sumpah seranah berhenti,
perasaan syukur mula timbul,
kerana jika tidak ditemukan dengan entiti yang sebegitu,
aku tidak akan belajar.

Aku tidak akan belajar.

Erti sia-sia, Erti hidup.

Aku pandang kembali ke masa hadapan,
cuba mentafsir dugaan dan ujian satu persatu,
dengan bekal pengalaman.

Aku harap ia tidak berulang,
jika ia berulang sekalipun, aku harap ia tidak seteruk dahulu.

Bangkit.

khayal.

Ia seperti dadah,
sekali dicuba, bangkit keinginan untuk terus mencuba.

Ia seperti dadah,
masa terasa lama,
keadaan persekitaran terus tidak dipedulikan,
yang penting, hanyalah apa yang terjadi ketika itu.

Senyum, tawa, suasana terasa indah,
seperti esok tidak ada.

Ia seperti dadah,
selepas saatnya berakhir,
peristiwa terus kekal bermain di minda,
akal dan hati berkonflik,
hal dunia dirasakan tidak penting.

Ia seperti dadah,
tetapi tidak upaya untuk membunuh,
cuma mampu menyeleweng.

Gunanya akal, untuk mewaraskan hati.
supaya tidak taksub.

Agar dadah, tidak bertukar menjadi nasi basi.
indah bertukar jemu.
tawa bertukar hiba.

favor

To be favoured,

is not my usual day to day experience.

Even in my closest circle, 

I find myself,

the least fond members by most...

...well, that's what I think..

and that might be true.

I know,

Even though I tend to lose focus on what's going on after 3 minutes.

I'm quite observant on my own way.

but its okay,

because I'm used to it..

and maybe also because,

I kind of...

...do the same thing towards the others too..

Karma, is a bitch.

move.

Frustration and failure cause us to be careful of every steps we made.
last week, I entered a familiar world, a lifestyle whom I left not so long ago.

There's shadows and image everywhere,
replays and mimics things I've done with a person before..
.. and that cause me to be more careful, to not thrown deeper into my own feelings,
only to be left out, under appreciated and again frustrated.

slow and steady, this time.
I'll take my time.

Exploring one by one,
discovering things day by day,
building it, slowly, bricks by bricks.

The shadows will not gone,
it is a valuable lesson.

Steps by steps,
Slowly, carefully..
... forward I go,

falls head first.

To kill oneself, over an issue,
is a stupid move.
come on, if you can think to jump,
and end life, just like that...

then why don't you just do something with great risk?
invest big on something new?
climb a mountain with dangerous peak?
do something that will guarantee you a 70% death?

at least you are doing something fun/thrilling/scary.
it's not like you're afraid to die ain't you?


though, I believe some people couldn't stand up on their own,
but it does not mean you need to bear and be hurt yourself?
find a friend,
change.

since you're thinking of killing yourself.
why don't you just try,

it's not like you're afraid of anything ain't you?



ps: I might be high.

earn.

To prove people wrong,

is the best feeling ever.

I'm not gifted with the best looks and talents,

but I am on my way to use what I have,

to reach the stars.

The best player, is a person who are capable of using whatever he/she have in hands,

and turn it onto something beautiful, meaningful, profitable even.

and yes, I'm on my way to master that.

ps : oh yea, yesterday marks the anniversary of this blog first post, lots of things happen afterwards. When I read back the first post, I'm unsured of who is the writer of this blog, but then, time changes people, changes me,

though I still believe there are grammatical errors hidden somewhere in this post.