debar.

... dan masa yang singkat itu, membuatkan aku selalu terfikir sendirian sekarang.

Hidup bakal berubah, rutin dan keutamaan tidak akan sama.
Selepas ini semuanya bakal diputuskan berdua.
Cabaran hidup, momen indah, sedih, duka semuanya berdua.

Tuhan, aku minta semuanya dipermudahkan.
Kekalkanlah kami bersama hingga ke akhir usia,
berikanlah kami kehidupan yang bahagia.

Jika kami diuji, kuatkanlah hati kami, permudahkanlah perjalanan ujian itu.

amin.

Hard.

It is not easy to just throw one of the most important phase of your life away, to just forget.

I can't.

I want to move on, yes I can, but to forget and think like it has never happened. I can't.
It won't do any justice to the wonderful things that has happened.

No, I don't want to turn and get back like we used to.
I have someone else to care for now.

I just don't want to remove the memories I have with you.
Instead, I want to cherish that memory from start until the end.

I am deleting the visuals and pictures of our time together,
but I will never forget you.

kita ada misi.

You can never predict your future.

You can work for it, but somehow you can never predict what will happen along the way.

The future may be the thing you want, but sometimes it may not be the thing you dream of.

Looking back on how my life back then, my routine and my decisions is like seeing a different man and different person. A stranger I must say.

Months left before the big day...

I can't wait, somehow...

I promised a good life, but I don't promise it to be sweet , unchallenged.

Challenges grows us, and I hope we can grow together.

I know it was you when I first saw you.

alternate.

Have you ever wondered if there are any alternate universe of your life?
Universe which created upon every decision you have made throughout your whole life.

I always think, what happen if I chose B instead of A,
If I decide not to entertain the text from a girl I knew 6 years ago,
If I decide to walk away from broadcasting industry,

If I decide, 4 years ago not to text that girl, whom I though was living in Kuching but instead she is from the States above the wind,
If I decide to stay with that girl, and go through challenges which I believe is impossible.

What if?

A simple question that always haunt most of us,

Not that I'm regretting the path I have now.
I'm grateful.

It's just sometimes curiosity can led us to think about things that didn't matter anymore,
worse, it can led us to abandon things that matter.

I wish I am not that kind of person.

overlooked.

I tend to be overlooked at.

I don't know, on every circles of friends I'm in, I will tend to be overlooked at.

It's not that they didn't recognize or even favors me, but in any scenario I will be the last person they want to be together with.

"The last straw ... the last option,"

"least preferred to be with"

Not that they hate me, but I believe that I don't have much chemistry with most people, or I chose not to try that chemistry, I don't know.

... and now I just realized that it's not just in the circles of friends, but family too.

Sad, but I can accept it, 

I want things to go my way, I didn't really think I should do this and that to accomplish things.

I want to live on my own accord.

I may seem normal, but my mind is not.

It's frustrated that when it comes to others help will come in abundance, but not me.

Somehow, I am okay with this. I guess I am adapting...

... to live with my own accord.

A new dawn.

I still remember, at this exact same month, last year, I was a different person.

My set of goals is different, my mindset is different and I don't believe in commitments before getting rich.

Guess it's going to change now,
I don't know, people change.

It's the order of nature, things will change...

... and hopefully it's for the better.

shutter freak.

I used to be a shutter freak.

Wherever I go, I will bring my big dslr camera hanging around my neck ready to serve whenever I am in need.

Every moment, every scene, will be recorded.

It lasted only for four years though, a good four years.

Now whenever I open back my archive, those four years will always be the most memorable ones.
Because I recorded it well, and everytime I tell myself I need to take pictures again.

I will forget about it the next day, until I open back my archive the next time.

I don't know. Maybe I am not a shutter freak anymore, maybe the passion isn't there.

Hello.

I might be back.
I said that I want to post pictures, brings colors to this faded blog once again.

I couldn't.

Life is somehow weird this year. I foolishly lost someone dear to me early this year, couldn't really recover, lost someone important in my life, my fault.

but it is for the better, for both of us, I believe.

Life must go on, and I am looking forward to this new life.

You only live once, better make sure you live it with a great partner.

The lady in red.

This time, it is different,
I am the one who inflicted the damage,
but that doesn't mean I am not hurt.

This time, it hurts so bad, I wish there's a time machine where I can make things right again.

but that's not how this world works.

We used to go on a film dates frequently.
I will keep the tickets and put it on a clipboard, in my room.
I even kept our first film date ticket, and that marks our anniversary date.
used to.

Everything inside this room, reminds me of her, my lady in red, used to.

Life must go on,
I take off all the tickets, all the gift, all the books, everything reminds me of her, inside a box.

A box I may not open again.

All is done, and i take the final look.

Indeed, she is my lady in red,

the scarf she gave me before I took on my 48 days journey two years ago, is in red.
special coke that I made with her name on it, but never get to send it to her, is in red.
my first gift box for her, is in red.
our first football match VIP ticket, is in red.

I put it all in the box, and keep it safe somewhere.
It is to precious to be thrown away.

but, a gold pen, she gave me on my birthday last year,
I kept it, I will use it.

The gold pen has a special words on it, from her to me...

"chase your dream"

I will dear, I will.

I am sorry I have to end this wonderful relationship,
but if god willing, and I have achieved my dreams.

and you're still there.
I will come back, for good.

thank you,
my lady in red, used to.

it ends.

"I wish to work for us to happen"

was nine months ago.

She was the best, the most precious person I ever been with.
but I just couldn't work it anymore.

She meant for someone else, someone better.

I can't.

"I don't know how to end this conversation" she said.

Me too, didn't know what to say either.

Distance seems permanent, like there is no date clarifying her return.
Frustration, mounting.
She use to be near, whatever happen, I'll be there. Now I just can't.

I can't be there when things hit her hard.

Maybe it is better to hurt now, than later.

"ok" she said,

"ok" I replied.

"beep", the tone heard. end of call.

I never knew a 'beep' can hurt you so much.

now I know.

assurance.

... foolish statement.

Forgetting what have been promised.

"I seek assurance", I asked.
tears were shed.

Disappointed. she is.
\From the tone I heard.

Disappointed. I am,
of what I can't hold.

A promise, to give her assurance of our future.

One that I suddenly seek, from her.
The one I gave assurance to.

If it ends, I am the one at fault.
I am sorry.

If it ends, I can't hurt anyone more.

guts

is what it takes to change everything.

anything, you can think of.

ripped away.

It takes me two and a half year, to actually realize that she is it.

It takes a one way ticket, no return.
It takes a boarding hall... and her walking away.

"for a better life", she said.

It is not like a movie, when the hero realize that she is it, he ran barging into the security, asking his love to come back, to change her mind.

It is simply not like that.

It is like, me, standing still, watching her walk away.
just like that.

Things will be different, and I know it will be.

this is not yet a good bye, I wish this is just a phase,

I wish to work for us to happen.

dream.

is only a dream if you do nothing.
It takes work, sacrifice and a whole lot of patience.

but patience also, have its limit.

I wonder, will my patience ran out?

ticking.

times, clock.

Awaiting for answer that will decide the whole plot.

Life plot.

During time like this, truly I learn how valuable life is,
taken for granted everytime.

I wonder how will I react to the answer,

If it is good, will I appreciate life, or forget its value after a while?

If it is not,
Will I have the strength to receive it?

timeline.

The road you take, is equipped with risk.

You only have one timeline, just one, just once.

I am on my path, the best I think, but somehow,

I slipped and took the ones with risk.

I wonder will I be able to get out cleanly,

or my timeline will ends prematurely.

Since a child, I've planned to sit myself with the greats.

Those who take the best roads, and ends their timeline with fame and greats.

Those people cherish throughout time,

I want to be that,

but the road is not always straight, 

mine seems to be bumpy, and I have fallen...few times.

I wonder will I be long,

or just be a dot in a past, forgotten by mankind..

those who didn't take their chance.

We only have one timeline, just one, just once.

It is up to us, to me, to make it great...

or be forgotten.

I wish I am given chance again.

options

We all have options,
Freedom to choose between which and which.

Lately, I think I chose wrong.
Would I be forgiven?

or be punished ?

I hope for the best.

I want to change.

It's 2015.

and I'm 27.


It's 2 AM, on my birthday's eve, the rain drops heavily.
There I was, going back to my home after a long day working, still chasing dreams.

Can't believe I am at my late twenties...

no words.

morning, silence,

sky, glooms.

Here there is, two souls staring at each other unknowingly what each thoughts is.

She breaks the silence,

"How far will this go?"

..

.. no sounds.

She breaks the silence again,

"You know what my stand is"

with piercing stares, her eyes fills with uncertainties.

...

I always have answers and plans.

for once, at the moment, I didn't have the answers to the question. 

empty, thinking of decision that might affect my life.

I never thought that my eyes will be given chance to see things that many people couldn't.

A chance to travel and widen my perspective.
2 months gone, and the memories seems closer yet distant.

Will i have the opportunity to experience this kind of trip again, I don't know.

but what I know, I am thanking god for every chance He gives me.