Hello.

I might be back.
I said that I want to post pictures, brings colors to this faded blog once again.

I couldn't.

Life is somehow weird this year. I foolishly lost someone dear to me early this year, couldn't really recover, lost someone important in my life, my fault.

but it is for the better, for both of us, I believe.

Life must go on, and I am looking forward to this new life.

You only live once, better make sure you live it with a great partner.

The lady in red.

This time, it is different,
I am the one who inflicted the damage,
but that doesn't mean I am not hurt.

This time, it hurts so bad, I wish there's a time machine where I can make things right again.

but that's not how this world works.

We used to go on a film dates frequently.
I will keep the tickets and put it on a clipboard, in my room.
I even kept our first film date ticket, and that marks our anniversary date.
used to.

Everything inside this room, reminds me of her, my lady in red, used to.

Life must go on,
I take off all the tickets, all the gift, all the books, everything reminds me of her, inside a box.

A box I may not open again.

All is done, and i take the final look.

Indeed, she is my lady in red,

the scarf she gave me before I took on my 48 days journey two years ago, is in red.
special coke that I made with her name on it, but never get to send it to her, is in red.
my first gift box for her, is in red.
our first football match VIP ticket, is in red.

I put it all in the box, and keep it safe somewhere.
It is to precious to be thrown away.

but, a gold pen, she gave me on my birthday last year,
I kept it, I will use it.

The gold pen has a special words on it, from her to me...

"chase your dream"

I will dear, I will.

I am sorry I have to end this wonderful relationship,
but if god willing, and I have achieved my dreams.

and you're still there.
I will come back, for good.

thank you,
my lady in red, used to.

it ends.

"I wish to work for us to happen"

was nine months ago.

She was the best, the most precious person I ever been with.
but I just couldn't work it anymore.

She meant for someone else, someone better.

I can't.

"I don't know how to end this conversation" she said.

Me too, didn't know what to say either.

Distance seems permanent, like there is no date clarifying her return.
Frustration, mounting.
She use to be near, whatever happen, I'll be there. Now I just can't.

I can't be there when things hit her hard.

Maybe it is better to hurt now, than later.

"ok" she said,

"ok" I replied.

"beep", the tone heard. end of call.

I never knew a 'beep' can hurt you so much.

now I know.

assurance.

... foolish statement.

Forgetting what have been promised.

"I seek assurance", I asked.
tears were shed.

Disappointed. she is.
\From the tone I heard.

Disappointed. I am,
of what I can't hold.

A promise, to give her assurance of our future.

One that I suddenly seek, from her.
The one I gave assurance to.

If it ends, I am the one at fault.
I am sorry.

If it ends, I can't hurt anyone more.

guts

is what it takes to change everything.

anything, you can think of.

ripped away.

It takes me two and a half year, to actually realize that she is it.

It takes a one way ticket, no return.
It takes a boarding hall... and her walking away.

"for a better life", she said.

It is not like a movie, when the hero realize that she is it, he ran barging into the security, asking his love to come back, to change her mind.

It is simply not like that.

It is like, me, standing still, watching her walk away.
just like that.

Things will be different, and I know it will be.

this is not yet a good bye, I wish this is just a phase,

I wish to work for us to happen.

dream.

is only a dream if you do nothing.
It takes work, sacrifice and a whole lot of patience.

but patience also, have its limit.

I wonder, will my patience ran out?

ticking.

times, clock.

Awaiting for answer that will decide the whole plot.

Life plot.

During time like this, truly I learn how valuable life is,
taken for granted everytime.

I wonder how will I react to the answer,

If it is good, will I appreciate life, or forget its value after a while?

If it is not,
Will I have the strength to receive it?

timeline.

The road you take, is equipped with risk.

You only have one timeline, just one, just once.

I am on my path, the best I think, but somehow,

I slipped and took the ones with risk.

I wonder will I be able to get out cleanly,

or my timeline will ends prematurely.

Since a child, I've planned to sit myself with the greats.

Those who take the best roads, and ends their timeline with fame and greats.

Those people cherish throughout time,

I want to be that,

but the road is not always straight, 

mine seems to be bumpy, and I have fallen...few times.

I wonder will I be long,

or just be a dot in a past, forgotten by mankind..

those who didn't take their chance.

We only have one timeline, just one, just once.

It is up to us, to me, to make it great...

or be forgotten.

I wish I am given chance again.

options

We all have options,
Freedom to choose between which and which.

Lately, I think I chose wrong.
Would I be forgiven?

or be punished ?

I hope for the best.

I want to change.

It's 2015.

and I'm 27.


It's 2 AM, on my birthday's eve, the rain drops heavily.
There I was, going back to my home after a long day working, still chasing dreams.

Can't believe I am at my late twenties...

no words.

morning, silence,

sky, glooms.

Here there is, two souls staring at each other unknowingly what each thoughts is.

She breaks the silence,

"How far will this go?"

..

.. no sounds.

She breaks the silence again,

"You know what my stand is"

with piercing stares, her eyes fills with uncertainties.

...

I always have answers and plans.

for once, at the moment, I didn't have the answers to the question. 

empty, thinking of decision that might affect my life.

I never thought that my eyes will be given chance to see things that many people couldn't.

A chance to travel and widen my perspective.
2 months gone, and the memories seems closer yet distant.

Will i have the opportunity to experience this kind of trip again, I don't know.

but what I know, I am thanking god for every chance He gives me.

poor.

Poor past, if manipulated rightly,

will be a strength for us to be better.

I've been doing it a few times, it's hurt getting back in time, remembering poor memories of mine.
but it helps, it reminds me of what I want to be,
what I want to achieve,

and what I want to prove.

chapters.

One will experience miracles,
One will experience love,
and one will experience pain.

but to experience it all in a short span of time,
is simply quite hard.

It's a wonder how we can move, from loving one to another, in just over a few years.

Precious love should be appreciated,
if it is not, it is a love to forget.

tinjau balik kenangan.

Mengenang balik masa lampau, dan kisah ramai mengenai Cameron Highlands.

Jika ada rezeki, aku ingin bermastautin di sini.

Itupun jika keadaan masih kekal seperti kini.

happy for a friend.

I met a friend last few weeks,

In our every meeting, for almost two years, this is her main topic of conversation.

"I'm worried, I have tried and met many guys, but nothing is working"

and, of course, on our every meeting, this is my replies,

"Insya Allah you will met a good man"

"Don't rush into things, try to cherish every moments when you met a man, even if it turns out to be bad"

She take the advice, and smiles.

though I can see it in her eyes, she didn't really take the advice into her hearts.

It's pitiful, she really wants it,
a life with real relationship,
where it ends with marriage.

and she wants it soon,
or I think now actually.

I helped her with ways I could,
giving her motivation that she needed,

After a few weeks,
she said she is getting married.

I'm happy.

kembali.

5 tahun dahulu,
aku mula berjinak dengan lensa kamera.

DSLR D40x, jenama NIKON, itu sahaja yang aku mampu.
habis duit ptptn untuk semester tu.

Dengan lens standard, aku bereksperimen mencuba segala skill dan menduga kreativiti mengabadikan realiti.

Zaman teruja.

Kemana saja aku pergi pasti ada beg hitam besar tersandang di bahu.
Lepak di mamak, berjalan di shopping complex, aku bawa kemana saja,
mana lah tahu ada scenery cantik.

Mula-mula aku berseorangan, kemudian ramai pula yang berkongsi rutin sama.
bawa beg kamera besar sambil DSLR disangkut dileher.

dah jadi trend pula.

Aku pedulikan semua itu, hingga terdengar suara sumbang,

"poyo lah, bawa DSLR kemana-mana, setakat tahu guna AUTO saja, baik tak payah"

Aku terasa, bukan apa, aku juga jenis yang menyangkut DSLR di leher.

Tapi tidak pula aku gemar guna AUTO. MANUAL is the way.
Shutter, Aperture, ISO, white balance. Rutin aku masa tu.

Terasa.

Terus aku jarang membawa DSLR merata, termakan kutukan jahat.

childish.

Tapi kutukan itu ada betulnya juga, trend - maka ramai juga yang beli DSLR tanpa mempraktikkan kegunaan kamera itu sebetulnya.

Kalau tiada angin masakan pohon bergoyang.

2010, D40x menghembus nafas terakhir, berhenti berfungsi.

Aku pula kekurangan wang, student, terus aku kuburkan dahulu niat mahu baiki.
Simpan cita-cita mahu kembali beraksi suatu hari nanti.

2014.

Aku kembali.
Bukan DSLR, minat aku tidak setinggi dahulu.

cukuplah sekadar point and shoot FUJIFILM X20.

Aku tak tahu jika blog ini ada pembaca setia, atau jika ada yang membaca sekalipun.
Lebih-lebih selepas aku ubah URL blog ini, atas dasar untuk meluahkan rasa dengan lebih bebas.

dan lebih emotional sebenarnya.

tapi future post, expect pictures, pictures and pictures.

Jika kalian ikut aku sejak 2008, kalian pasti perasan bahawa blog ini berubah patternnya setiap kali.

Aku pernah floodkan blog ini dengan gambar.

dan dengan gambar aku akan banjirkan blog ini untuk post seterusnya.

sekian.

stages ...

... of life.

Between teens and adulthood,
I just don't know which phase are better.

I love this phase now.
Given freedom to do anything,
and the ability to buy or do things I couldn't before.

but,
I missed teenage years.
Not enough freedom, but less stress.
Couldn't buy and do many thing, but less responsibility.

Responsibility.
is what made me miss me, 8 years ago.

time to get serious.

To take the next step in life,
is not an easy decision to make.

Will I ever be ready?
Is she is the one?

Many things need to be consider,
Finance, Stability, Knowledge
most important, oneself.

I want to make the decision someday, after I'm well prepared - fully
I am a person who think a lot,
always thought of what are the consequences of each decision made.
I will move forward when I see fit.

Think, Think, Think, Plan..

but, I believe when I found the one, I will just make the decision right away.