debar.

... dan masa yang singkat itu, membuatkan aku selalu terfikir sendirian sekarang.

Hidup bakal berubah, rutin dan keutamaan tidak akan sama.
Selepas ini semuanya bakal diputuskan berdua.
Cabaran hidup, momen indah, sedih, duka semuanya berdua.

Tuhan, aku minta semuanya dipermudahkan.
Kekalkanlah kami bersama hingga ke akhir usia,
berikanlah kami kehidupan yang bahagia.

Jika kami diuji, kuatkanlah hati kami, permudahkanlah perjalanan ujian itu.

amin.

Hard.

It is not easy to just throw one of the most important phase of your life away, to just forget.

I can't.

I want to move on, yes I can, but to forget and think like it has never happened. I can't.
It won't do any justice to the wonderful things that has happened.

No, I don't want to turn and get back like we used to.
I have someone else to care for now.

I just don't want to remove the memories I have with you.
Instead, I want to cherish that memory from start until the end.

I am deleting the visuals and pictures of our time together,
but I will never forget you.

kita ada misi.

You can never predict your future.

You can work for it, but somehow you can never predict what will happen along the way.

The future may be the thing you want, but sometimes it may not be the thing you dream of.

Looking back on how my life back then, my routine and my decisions is like seeing a different man and different person. A stranger I must say.

Months left before the big day...

I can't wait, somehow...

I promised a good life, but I don't promise it to be sweet , unchallenged.

Challenges grows us, and I hope we can grow together.

I know it was you when I first saw you.

alternate.

Have you ever wondered if there are any alternate universe of your life?
Universe which created upon every decision you have made throughout your whole life.

I always think, what happen if I chose B instead of A,
If I decide not to entertain the text from a girl I knew 6 years ago,
If I decide to walk away from broadcasting industry,

If I decide, 4 years ago not to text that girl, whom I though was living in Kuching but instead she is from the States above the wind,
If I decide to stay with that girl, and go through challenges which I believe is impossible.

What if?

A simple question that always haunt most of us,

Not that I'm regretting the path I have now.
I'm grateful.

It's just sometimes curiosity can led us to think about things that didn't matter anymore,
worse, it can led us to abandon things that matter.

I wish I am not that kind of person.

overlooked.

I tend to be overlooked at.

I don't know, on every circles of friends I'm in, I will tend to be overlooked at.

It's not that they didn't recognize or even favors me, but in any scenario I will be the last person they want to be together with.

"The last straw ... the last option,"

"least preferred to be with"

Not that they hate me, but I believe that I don't have much chemistry with most people, or I chose not to try that chemistry, I don't know.

... and now I just realized that it's not just in the circles of friends, but family too.

Sad, but I can accept it, 

I want things to go my way, I didn't really think I should do this and that to accomplish things.

I want to live on my own accord.

I may seem normal, but my mind is not.

It's frustrated that when it comes to others help will come in abundance, but not me.

Somehow, I am okay with this. I guess I am adapting...

... to live with my own accord.

A new dawn.

I still remember, at this exact same month, last year, I was a different person.

My set of goals is different, my mindset is different and I don't believe in commitments before getting rich.

Guess it's going to change now,
I don't know, people change.

It's the order of nature, things will change...

... and hopefully it's for the better.

shutter freak.

I used to be a shutter freak.

Wherever I go, I will bring my big dslr camera hanging around my neck ready to serve whenever I am in need.

Every moment, every scene, will be recorded.

It lasted only for four years though, a good four years.

Now whenever I open back my archive, those four years will always be the most memorable ones.
Because I recorded it well, and everytime I tell myself I need to take pictures again.

I will forget about it the next day, until I open back my archive the next time.

I don't know. Maybe I am not a shutter freak anymore, maybe the passion isn't there.

Hello.

I might be back.
I said that I want to post pictures, brings colors to this faded blog once again.

I couldn't.

Life is somehow weird this year. I foolishly lost someone dear to me early this year, couldn't really recover, lost someone important in my life, my fault.

but it is for the better, for both of us, I believe.

Life must go on, and I am looking forward to this new life.

You only live once, better make sure you live it with a great partner.

The lady in red.

This time, it is different,
I am the one who inflicted the damage,
but that doesn't mean I am not hurt.

This time, it hurts so bad, I wish there's a time machine where I can make things right again.

but that's not how this world works.

We used to go on a film dates frequently.
I will keep the tickets and put it on a clipboard, in my room.
I even kept our first film date ticket, and that marks our anniversary date.
used to.

Everything inside this room, reminds me of her, my lady in red, used to.

Life must go on,
I take off all the tickets, all the gift, all the books, everything reminds me of her, inside a box.

A box I may not open again.

All is done, and i take the final look.

Indeed, she is my lady in red,

the scarf she gave me before I took on my 48 days journey two years ago, is in red.
special coke that I made with her name on it, but never get to send it to her, is in red.
my first gift box for her, is in red.
our first football match VIP ticket, is in red.

I put it all in the box, and keep it safe somewhere.
It is to precious to be thrown away.

but, a gold pen, she gave me on my birthday last year,
I kept it, I will use it.

The gold pen has a special words on it, from her to me...

"chase your dream"

I will dear, I will.

I am sorry I have to end this wonderful relationship,
but if god willing, and I have achieved my dreams.

and you're still there.
I will come back, for good.

thank you,
my lady in red, used to.

it ends.

"I wish to work for us to happen"

was nine months ago.

She was the best, the most precious person I ever been with.
but I just couldn't work it anymore.

She meant for someone else, someone better.

I can't.

"I don't know how to end this conversation" she said.

Me too, didn't know what to say either.

Distance seems permanent, like there is no date clarifying her return.
Frustration, mounting.
She use to be near, whatever happen, I'll be there. Now I just can't.

I can't be there when things hit her hard.

Maybe it is better to hurt now, than later.

"ok" she said,

"ok" I replied.

"beep", the tone heard. end of call.

I never knew a 'beep' can hurt you so much.

now I know.

assurance.

... foolish statement.

Forgetting what have been promised.

"I seek assurance", I asked.
tears were shed.

Disappointed. she is.
\From the tone I heard.

Disappointed. I am,
of what I can't hold.

A promise, to give her assurance of our future.

One that I suddenly seek, from her.
The one I gave assurance to.

If it ends, I am the one at fault.
I am sorry.

If it ends, I can't hurt anyone more.

guts

is what it takes to change everything.

anything, you can think of.

ripped away.

It takes me two and a half year, to actually realize that she is it.

It takes a one way ticket, no return.
It takes a boarding hall... and her walking away.

"for a better life", she said.

It is not like a movie, when the hero realize that she is it, he ran barging into the security, asking his love to come back, to change her mind.

It is simply not like that.

It is like, me, standing still, watching her walk away.
just like that.

Things will be different, and I know it will be.

this is not yet a good bye, I wish this is just a phase,

I wish to work for us to happen.

dream.

is only a dream if you do nothing.
It takes work, sacrifice and a whole lot of patience.

but patience also, have its limit.

I wonder, will my patience ran out?

ticking.

times, clock.

Awaiting for answer that will decide the whole plot.

Life plot.

During time like this, truly I learn how valuable life is,
taken for granted everytime.

I wonder how will I react to the answer,

If it is good, will I appreciate life, or forget its value after a while?

If it is not,
Will I have the strength to receive it?

timeline.

The road you take, is equipped with risk.

You only have one timeline, just one, just once.

I am on my path, the best I think, but somehow,

I slipped and took the ones with risk.

I wonder will I be able to get out cleanly,

or my timeline will ends prematurely.

Since a child, I've planned to sit myself with the greats.

Those who take the best roads, and ends their timeline with fame and greats.

Those people cherish throughout time,

I want to be that,

but the road is not always straight, 

mine seems to be bumpy, and I have fallen...few times.

I wonder will I be long,

or just be a dot in a past, forgotten by mankind..

those who didn't take their chance.

We only have one timeline, just one, just once.

It is up to us, to me, to make it great...

or be forgotten.

I wish I am given chance again.

options

We all have options,
Freedom to choose between which and which.

Lately, I think I chose wrong.
Would I be forgiven?

or be punished ?

I hope for the best.

I want to change.

It's 2015.

and I'm 27.


It's 2 AM, on my birthday's eve, the rain drops heavily.
There I was, going back to my home after a long day working, still chasing dreams.

Can't believe I am at my late twenties...

no words.

morning, silence,

sky, glooms.

Here there is, two souls staring at each other unknowingly what each thoughts is.

She breaks the silence,

"How far will this go?"

..

.. no sounds.

She breaks the silence again,

"You know what my stand is"

with piercing stares, her eyes fills with uncertainties.

...

I always have answers and plans.

for once, at the moment, I didn't have the answers to the question. 

empty, thinking of decision that might affect my life.

I never thought that my eyes will be given chance to see things that many people couldn't.

A chance to travel and widen my perspective.
2 months gone, and the memories seems closer yet distant.

Will i have the opportunity to experience this kind of trip again, I don't know.

but what I know, I am thanking god for every chance He gives me.

poor.

Poor past, if manipulated rightly,

will be a strength for us to be better.

I've been doing it a few times, it's hurt getting back in time, remembering poor memories of mine.
but it helps, it reminds me of what I want to be,
what I want to achieve,

and what I want to prove.

chapters.

One will experience miracles,
One will experience love,
and one will experience pain.

but to experience it all in a short span of time,
is simply quite hard.

It's a wonder how we can move, from loving one to another, in just over a few years.

Precious love should be appreciated,
if it is not, it is a love to forget.

tinjau balik kenangan.

Mengenang balik masa lampau, dan kisah ramai mengenai Cameron Highlands.

Jika ada rezeki, aku ingin bermastautin di sini.

Itupun jika keadaan masih kekal seperti kini.

happy for a friend.

I met a friend last few weeks,

In our every meeting, for almost two years, this is her main topic of conversation.

"I'm worried, I have tried and met many guys, but nothing is working"

and, of course, on our every meeting, this is my replies,

"Insya Allah you will met a good man"

"Don't rush into things, try to cherish every moments when you met a man, even if it turns out to be bad"

She take the advice, and smiles.

though I can see it in her eyes, she didn't really take the advice into her hearts.

It's pitiful, she really wants it,
a life with real relationship,
where it ends with marriage.

and she wants it soon,
or I think now actually.

I helped her with ways I could,
giving her motivation that she needed,

After a few weeks,
she said she is getting married.

I'm happy.

kembali.

5 tahun dahulu,
aku mula berjinak dengan lensa kamera.

DSLR D40x, jenama NIKON, itu sahaja yang aku mampu.
habis duit ptptn untuk semester tu.

Dengan lens standard, aku bereksperimen mencuba segala skill dan menduga kreativiti mengabadikan realiti.

Zaman teruja.

Kemana saja aku pergi pasti ada beg hitam besar tersandang di bahu.
Lepak di mamak, berjalan di shopping complex, aku bawa kemana saja,
mana lah tahu ada scenery cantik.

Mula-mula aku berseorangan, kemudian ramai pula yang berkongsi rutin sama.
bawa beg kamera besar sambil DSLR disangkut dileher.

dah jadi trend pula.

Aku pedulikan semua itu, hingga terdengar suara sumbang,

"poyo lah, bawa DSLR kemana-mana, setakat tahu guna AUTO saja, baik tak payah"

Aku terasa, bukan apa, aku juga jenis yang menyangkut DSLR di leher.

Tapi tidak pula aku gemar guna AUTO. MANUAL is the way.
Shutter, Aperture, ISO, white balance. Rutin aku masa tu.

Terasa.

Terus aku jarang membawa DSLR merata, termakan kutukan jahat.

childish.

Tapi kutukan itu ada betulnya juga, trend - maka ramai juga yang beli DSLR tanpa mempraktikkan kegunaan kamera itu sebetulnya.

Kalau tiada angin masakan pohon bergoyang.

2010, D40x menghembus nafas terakhir, berhenti berfungsi.

Aku pula kekurangan wang, student, terus aku kuburkan dahulu niat mahu baiki.
Simpan cita-cita mahu kembali beraksi suatu hari nanti.

2014.

Aku kembali.
Bukan DSLR, minat aku tidak setinggi dahulu.

cukuplah sekadar point and shoot FUJIFILM X20.

Aku tak tahu jika blog ini ada pembaca setia, atau jika ada yang membaca sekalipun.
Lebih-lebih selepas aku ubah URL blog ini, atas dasar untuk meluahkan rasa dengan lebih bebas.

dan lebih emotional sebenarnya.

tapi future post, expect pictures, pictures and pictures.

Jika kalian ikut aku sejak 2008, kalian pasti perasan bahawa blog ini berubah patternnya setiap kali.

Aku pernah floodkan blog ini dengan gambar.

dan dengan gambar aku akan banjirkan blog ini untuk post seterusnya.

sekian.

stages ...

... of life.

Between teens and adulthood,
I just don't know which phase are better.

I love this phase now.
Given freedom to do anything,
and the ability to buy or do things I couldn't before.

but,
I missed teenage years.
Not enough freedom, but less stress.
Couldn't buy and do many thing, but less responsibility.

Responsibility.
is what made me miss me, 8 years ago.

time to get serious.

To take the next step in life,
is not an easy decision to make.

Will I ever be ready?
Is she is the one?

Many things need to be consider,
Finance, Stability, Knowledge
most important, oneself.

I want to make the decision someday, after I'm well prepared - fully
I am a person who think a lot,
always thought of what are the consequences of each decision made.
I will move forward when I see fit.

Think, Think, Think, Plan..

but, I believe when I found the one, I will just make the decision right away.

bait berita.

Masa jatuh dahulu,

Aku putuskan terus segala bait berita dia yang selalu muncul di paparan utama laman sosial.

Hingga kini aku percaya itu adalah keputusan terbaik.

Paling terbaik untuk ubat luka dan minda.

Minda kembali tenang, luka sudah sembuh biarpun berparut,

Kini hadir cahaya, aku gembira.

Biarpun malap, tapi hati aku suka.

Hari ini, aku buka kembali bait berita yang aku putuskan dahulu.

Dengan harapan, untuk menjenguk khabar,

sihatkah? makin waraskah?

Tidak.

Terus minda aku jadi gila.

Gila kerana bait katanya yang langsung tidak berubah.

Mesejnya tajam, cuba untuk menunjukkan rasionaliti,

Namun bahasanya kejam, seperti hilang pedoman.

Setiap perkataan pantas membidas kenyataan entah siapa yang tidak seiring dengannya.

'meroyan'

tapi dalam realiti, bukankah engkau pun begitu?

Terus aku terbayang suara kecil tinggi menyakitkan telinga.

Pantas aku tutup kembali bait berita dia.

Sebelum aku jadi gila.

Gila bukan kerana gilakan dia,

Takut penyakit gila berjangkit daripada dia.

adil.

Kadang-kadang tuhan tarik rezeki, dan beri pada yang lain.
untuk kita lihat dan sedar kembali apa yang hilang.



Aku harap aku diberi peluang.

upside down inside out.

I still remember the days when two of my friend, a couple.
fall in love, formed a formidable team, shares great chemistry,
survived two university phase together, looked like they're moving on to the next level and

then separated.

Until now I didn't see any reason why they should be, after all, they're my best friend.

I didn't know the whole story, so I just assume it's fate.

Today, both of them live a different set of life, different place, maybe different style of thinking too.
but I believe they're still the same person inside.

As a spectator from a far, I can only say, I miss our time together, as friends, embarking a journey doing assignments, exploring the unknowns, setting a dream that still today seems hard but not impossible.


I learned that, no matter how well u plan and tried to protect some things,
it can eventually turns otherwise.


You can never predict life.

terima.

when the time is right,
you will bring up that topic,
and you will ask me the ultimatum.

if things turns out bad, you will leave.

and when you leave, I promise to myself, that I will start to go out around the world,
and heal this heart.


until then, I will be prepared.

distance.

first problem, distance.

With too much things falls on me day by day, I often neglected the soul I should prioritize most.

I guess, no matter how strong one's heart is, distance could break 'em.
If it couldn't break, it will make em' fragile, unable to hold any misses anymore.

scary thought haunts,
the heart's haunted.

Hope everything will be okay,
I can't wait to repay all my debts when we met again.

pegangan.

"Hidup berlalu terlampau pantas."

quote yang sememangnya sudah banyak kali aku guna.

Tapi itulah kebenaran.

Cuma kali ini, kebenarannya tampak lebih jelas.

Dulu hidup semasa belajar,

misi dari hari ke hari ialah untuk mengalami perkara baru,

tidak mengapa tergelincir, janji pengalaman dirasa.

Pergi ke kelas, balik dari kelas, tidur.

Hidup aman, nyenyak, meskipun dibelenggu kerja rumah,

tapi, kerja rumah hanya masalah hujung semester,

selepas itu, kembali tidur, 

menikmati masa, bersama rakan alami kemeriahan hidup.

Kini, semua berubah,

hidup dari hari ke sehari membanting tulang,

untuk menikmati faedah lumayan yang sedapnya dirasa tidak lebih dua minggu.

Segala risiko diambil, bakal mengubah masa depan.

Reputasi perlu dijaga, supaya mulut orang tidak berbunyi bising.

Pengalaman dialami lebih besar, dan lebih berharga.

Tetapi untuk meraih ilmu daripada pengalaman sebegitu, korban tenaga begitu banyak.

Rakan, berubah dimensi.

Yang lama semakin mengambil haluan baru.

Tapi tidak bermakna terpisah, cuma jarang melekat.

Suasana riuh, kini sepi.

Hanya tinggal memori...

... dan pegangan yang masih kuat,

untuk mengejar mimpi.

buang masa.

Kadang-kadang,
bila aku hanyut dek kerana keinginan dan sifat terlalu teruja.

Aku renung kembali masa lalu yang gelap,
menyumpah seranah seorang diri,
memikirkan betapa bodohnya diri mengabdikan diri,
membazirkan masa, membuang tenaga,
kepada sesuatu yang tidak pasti...

... yang jelas tidak tahu apa erti syukur dan saling menghargai.

Aku pernah fikir, adakah dunia ini begitu tipikal?
Indah dihargai, meskipun isinya buruk.

Kemudian aku diam,
sumpah seranah berhenti,
perasaan syukur mula timbul,
kerana jika tidak ditemukan dengan entiti yang sebegitu,
aku tidak akan belajar.

Aku tidak akan belajar.

Erti sia-sia, Erti hidup.

Aku pandang kembali ke masa hadapan,
cuba mentafsir dugaan dan ujian satu persatu,
dengan bekal pengalaman.

Aku harap ia tidak berulang,
jika ia berulang sekalipun, aku harap ia tidak seteruk dahulu.

Bangkit.

khayal.

Ia seperti dadah,
sekali dicuba, bangkit keinginan untuk terus mencuba.

Ia seperti dadah,
masa terasa lama,
keadaan persekitaran terus tidak dipedulikan,
yang penting, hanyalah apa yang terjadi ketika itu.

Senyum, tawa, suasana terasa indah,
seperti esok tidak ada.

Ia seperti dadah,
selepas saatnya berakhir,
peristiwa terus kekal bermain di minda,
akal dan hati berkonflik,
hal dunia dirasakan tidak penting.

Ia seperti dadah,
tetapi tidak upaya untuk membunuh,
cuma mampu menyeleweng.

Gunanya akal, untuk mewaraskan hati.
supaya tidak taksub.

Agar dadah, tidak bertukar menjadi nasi basi.
indah bertukar jemu.
tawa bertukar hiba.

favor

To be favoured,

is not my usual day to day experience.

Even in my closest circle, 

I find myself,

the least fond members by most...

...well, that's what I think..

and that might be true.

I know,

Even though I tend to lose focus on what's going on after 3 minutes.

I'm quite observant on my own way.

but its okay,

because I'm used to it..

and maybe also because,

I kind of...

...do the same thing towards the others too..

Karma, is a bitch.

move.

Frustration and failure cause us to be careful of every steps we made.
last week, I entered a familiar world, a lifestyle whom I left not so long ago.

There's shadows and image everywhere,
replays and mimics things I've done with a person before..
.. and that cause me to be more careful, to not thrown deeper into my own feelings,
only to be left out, under appreciated and again frustrated.

slow and steady, this time.
I'll take my time.

Exploring one by one,
discovering things day by day,
building it, slowly, bricks by bricks.

The shadows will not gone,
it is a valuable lesson.

Steps by steps,
Slowly, carefully..
... forward I go,

falls head first.

To kill oneself, over an issue,
is a stupid move.
come on, if you can think to jump,
and end life, just like that...

then why don't you just do something with great risk?
invest big on something new?
climb a mountain with dangerous peak?
do something that will guarantee you a 70% death?

at least you are doing something fun/thrilling/scary.
it's not like you're afraid to die ain't you?


though, I believe some people couldn't stand up on their own,
but it does not mean you need to bear and be hurt yourself?
find a friend,
change.

since you're thinking of killing yourself.
why don't you just try,

it's not like you're afraid of anything ain't you?



ps: I might be high.

earn.

To prove people wrong,

is the best feeling ever.

I'm not gifted with the best looks and talents,

but I am on my way to use what I have,

to reach the stars.

The best player, is a person who are capable of using whatever he/she have in hands,

and turn it onto something beautiful, meaningful, profitable even.

and yes, I'm on my way to master that.

ps : oh yea, yesterday marks the anniversary of this blog first post, lots of things happen afterwards. When I read back the first post, I'm unsured of who is the writer of this blog, but then, time changes people, changes me,

though I still believe there are grammatical errors hidden somewhere in this post.

pick.

They say, follow the flow..

.. and things will come pick you up, one by one.

Then life will show you the way, guides you to the correct path it believe.

But ,

what if things aren’t that simple?

What if there’s like a monster and scoundrels come haunting you all the way..

Lingering around your thoughts every time you decide to decide a decision?

Living a life is a risk,

And this is a risk I’m willing to take..

Not that I’m going to die anyway.

critics.

Some people can only do critics,

but they can't do things that they criticize on.

It's okay to give opinions full with suggestion and stating flaws positively.

but to bash and criticize using harsh words, is an evil thing to do.

attraction.

Looks is everything, at first.


after that, personality and situation takes the crown.

distracted.

Everytime I'm distracted, and forget who I am, and who I was..
I will sit down, keep my calm,
and remember...

... the reason why I chose this path.

ghostly past.

A long time ago,

after a pathetic heartbreak, I told myself.

"you need to man up, study, chase your dreams, and reach the stars"

After a few years, came a distraction.

I forgot,

and carried away.

Today, I stumble upon a ghost.

Still the same.

not all has changed since last we met.

and that smile.

melts.

It's like she didn't age.

and suddenly I remember my vow.

I've done my study, but still chasing my dreams,

blindly chasing.

and haven't reach the stars.

freezed.

I have a problem,

despite my job,

I'm a bit socially awkward.

I tend to be quiet with people I don't know..

I don't usually be like 

'hey how are you?'

'today is hot eh?'

'tak balik lagi?'

dah makan?'

I thought those lines were silly, and too mainstream.

and because I couldn't come up with something better,

staying quiet is the best choice.

I need an igniter,

people who just spit out those mainstream lines,

so that I can connect and engage a conversation with them.

Today,

while waiting for a recording tape,

I tried to engage in a conversation with a lady,

and like usual,

I failed to think of a pickup lines  conversation starter.

gotta man up next time.

and maybe use those mainstream silly lines for a try.

Pray

Bashing an institution through a social media...
couldn't help all the innocent people being tortured over there.

Pray.

or go there, help them survive.

Sheesh, and I can only talk.

Stripes.

Often I thought about my future.
Will people recognize me when I'm dead?
Will I be able to stamp a mark in this life?

and be remembered?

I need to make a name for myself on this planet before I'm gone.

loser.

losing things,

is not what I am aiming for ...

but in order to win, 

we must first taste defeat.

taken for granted.

It's sad to see something that you've sacrificed with your whole heart,

is taken by granted.

no appreciation.

but above that, it's much sadder to see something similar but less spectacular gets the credit.

so sad.

so sad.

lesson learned.

the best thing..

I'm not a journalist who often travel hunting for stories every week,

due to visual editorial work, I couldnt.. yep.

but so far, the best thing about being a journalist is..

you can see and experience things ordinary people couldn't.

despite the harsh reality of its small pay and uncertain working hours,

that is what keep me going..

"can you see yourself still working here in 10 years time?"

I could not promise you that, but for the moment, 

yeah, this is the place I'm most suitable.

ps: andd I need to buy a smartphone-lah.

the truth is ..

I didn't really recover..

image

So do we need to project a good self image to be accepted?

if so then, what kind of good self image is to be accepted?

time is gold.

"This workplace is like a broken time machine, it goes fast forward to the future, not back to the past.

don't be too indulged with your job, find other attachment too.

because if you don't, soon you will realize you're hitting 40 +, without anyone besides you yet"



tapi boss.. saya baru 7 bulan masuk kerja....

open up.

is not something I can do,
I'm not the person who just sit and throw all of my important personal story on anyone.
just ask anybody who close to me,

"ego dia sebesar lautan"

and that's the kind of answer you shall receive.




The statement is right, and also wrong at the same time.

refleksi.

Semua mahukan yang sempurna sebagai partner.
expectation pula bermacam-macam.
tapi diri sendiri bagaimana?
menepatikah expectation sang partner?
sempurnakah diri? sudah cukup ilmu?
harta? stabilkah emosi?


aku belum.

"When you smile, the corners of your mouth curve up and you sometimes show your teeth. People smile when they are pleased or amused, or when they are being friendly.  "

...or when they are being friendly.

salam.

"hah! maksud iftar tu pun tak tahu? apa punya meleis lah"



pada aku, muslim, atau individu yang baik, adalah mereka yang menerangi jalan bagi mereka yang jahil dengan niat suci,
dengan penuh senyuman.

bukan dengan perli, dan juga kutukan.

apa salahnya jika orang kurang berpengetahuan itu bertanya?
bukankah elok jika kamu suluhkan ilmu kepada dia, terangkan dengan baik.

bukan mengejek, dan memperlihatkan kepada orang ramai tentang kejahilan dia.
bagaimana mahu memperlihatkan sisi islam yang baik pada umum jika kita sendiri berperangai begini?

salam.

tahniah warganegara Malaysia.

kerana kebanyakan kamu berfikiran positif terhadap atlet yang kalah berjuang.

betapa bangganya aku kepada Dato LCW, bangga lagi aku kepada orang kita.
diharap suatu hari nanti lagu negaraku akan berjaya berkumandang di pentas olimpik.

Sukan , sememangnya dapat menyatukan warganegara.

time.

is moving quickly... very quickly.
I started working on February and woooshhh now it's near August.

I don't know about others,
but since I'm working, life has been like a fast spinning routine.

wake up early,
work til late night.
sleep.
and then wake up again...

and today I decided to sit and look back at what's happening around me..

father is working extra shift because he need to replace his injured colleague.
he shouldn't be doing that, he needs to rest more.

mother's hair turned grey a bit.. sign of ageing.

my little brother who used to be loud , now enters 'rebel teenage' age. he is now quiet and controlling his macho all the time.

I need to appreciate time more,

"all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy"

fate.

It's hard to accept a fact that you've build and believe all these years,
is only just a fantasy, sweetened by lies and deceptions.

This world is harsh, but quite reasonable.
When I sit and think back of what happened,
it's better to fall and be able to back up again,
than to fall and hanged to death.

'live your life' as she says.

ps: now where's my cameraman, been waiting for an hour.

perang saraf.

cakap tidak serupa bikin.

aku tidak berminat dengan orang sebegini.

perang saraf kini bermula.

believe.

stupidity, is essential to shape characters.

it shows you, what's right,

and what's wrong.

the problem is, 

how do we, individuals, 

accept every consequences for things that we've made,

and decide how our life goes afterwards.

some learnt their lesson, some keep being stupid.

khabar.

a - "hey kau tahu tak dia ni perangai sebenarnya begitu dan begini"


a - "dia ni sebenarnya ada masalah"


a - "dia semalam begitu dan begini"

khabar angin seronok didengar, sesuai dijadikan hiburan masa lapang, juga penambah dosa kering.

b - "jadi kau dah kenal dia personally?"


a - "oh tidak, ada orang beritahu aku"


b - " ohhh..."


b - "pernah tegur dia?"


a - "tidak.."


b - "ohhh..."


..........

aku selalu jadikan cerita begini sebagai panduan, buku manual sebelum mengenali seseorang, tetapi, jauh sekali gunakan sumber ini sebagai langkah mengelakkan diri dari berkenalan.

aku percaya setiap manusia ada masalah dan sikap tersendiri.
kamu yang menyebarkan cerita pun tidak terkecuali....aku juga.

nama.

benarlah, jika kamu ada nama. semuanya mudah.

rasa seperti ditipu, BIG TIME.

ah well... I have a research to do.

a thousand smiles.

we're magnets,

we need something to complete us.

be it your loved ones, hobby, work, or even your favorite mamak stall.

it will definitely help you to overcome shits that life has given us everyday.

I'm happy for a friend today.

and I hope his other half will be able to clean up his messed up life.

so, find something that complete you.

ps: I envy those who can enjoy their life everyday. 

pusingan.

Hari ini pergi majlis perkahwinan rakan.

melihat gambar lama beliau, teringat akan album lama sendiri.

menatap balik.

rasa nostalgik menjerkah diri.

teringat cerita kejayaan dan kesilapan, kegagalan.

heh...

nanti masa kahwin aku mahu buat tema perang angkasa pula.

tapi tak tahu la bila mahu kahwin, calon pun tiada,

kalau ada pun, duit tiada.

ps: lama juga tidak berjumpa rakan lama...

bukti.

hari ini, waktu berlalu sememangnya lama,

doa dimakbulkan rasanya.

seronok melihat rakan-rakan gembira.

dalam gembira, timbul sesal.

dari banyak aspek,

perkara, boleh menjadi lebih baik sebenarnya.

"bagaimanapun hidup perlu diteruskan."

sekarang mahu tumpu beli barang-barang yang berada dalam wishlist pula.

sambutan.

hidup seharian berlalu begitu pantas,
tanpa sedar bahawa, aku masih bergelar pelajar.
Esok, aku pinta masa berlalu lambat,
mahu nikmati saat-saat terakhir di menara gading,

sebelum rutin hidup kembali seperti biasa.

don't you agree?

we're all used to say this with glorious tone,

'I want to change this world to a better place'


Until reality checks in.
few survived though.

inspiration.

I used to watch lots of movies for inspiration.
now, I haven't got much time to watch one.

Going to places far away,
broaden my perspective.
Ideas comes into mind
like water pouring into a bowl.

'Jauh Perjalanan, Luas Pandangan'


but the problem is,
I don't goes out often.

am thinking to buy a good book,
and be inspired by it.
but will it be enough?

I have no time.
I need to find a time.

so how to be inspired constantly?

by compliment?

by playing music?

a good supportive women who love me?

women?

love?

women.. no, not now.
am not ready for this shit.

knowing.

In order to know a person's heart,

we can always ask people on how good or bad he/she really is in their eyes.

but, we can't just stop right there,

give the person, a chance, to show what their true colors.

in the same time, be careful.

words of mouth,it can be good or bad.

steps.

you can't never please everyone.

staying true to yourself til the end, is the best way.

or is it?

yep.

I remember trying to talk to you in highschool
couldnt even get a look cos you were too cool
but now were older were playing by the new rules
we lived and learned!

layers.

I think, I enjoy with how things goes right now.

productivity. meeting new things.

I think I'm starting to love my job.

.

though the future is unpredictable,

but I think it's better to live your life now, than to always worry about tomorrow.

for now, I hope I will be not be to indulged with work,

that I forget there's more to life than working.

and now, I have to wait patiently for my first salary. =.=

fool.

In order to be smart,

one must experience total foolishness,

so that they can make better decisions in the future.

seperti biasa.

Hari ni tiada beza.
tapi aku bukan anti hari ini.
peduli apa aku hari ini.
menyampah aku lihat kebanyakan manusia penggerak hate hari ini.

Hipokrit, kebanyakannya.

Macam biasa, aku masih mengejar mimpi.
cuma kali ini di harap rezeki akan datang awal sikit.

Tak sanggup lagi mahu menyusahkan yang tersayang.

nasib.

Rezeki setiap individu berbeza.

betul.

Kalau kau anggap dunia ini tidak adil,

kau bodoh.

Malas aku nak memberi contoh kasihan kanak-kanak di Afrika.

Kamu semua sudah tahu.

Aku syukur atas segala yang terjadi sekarang,

walaupun banyak perkara yang terjadi sejak kebelakangan ini,

membuat aku sangsi tentang hala tuju hidup aku.

Hari ini, terdengar khabar individu yang tidak pernah aku tegur,

meninggal dunia.

maut datang secara tiba-tiba.

Justeru membuat aku berfikir,

nyawa kita, juga satu rezeki.

seperti arwah,

beliau juga mungkin mempunyai impian duniawi,

impian yang tak mungkin beliau dapat gapai sekarang.

Jadi,

kita masih hidup, masih ada peluang untuk menggapai segala impian,

bebas mewarnakan hidup kita sendiri.

tidak kiralah mahu ber-isterikan Mila Kunis ka, ataupun mahu menjadi tauke Gelang Ajaib,

tetapi selagi kita masih hidup, masih bernyawa,

peluang tetap ada,

Usaha,

dan rezeki akan datang.

walau bukan dengan cara yang kamu mahukan,

tapi mungkin, 

dengan cara lain.

positive thinking brother

Al-Fatihah -  Daim bin Jamaluddin (akas) 

susah sebenarnya

untuk mengelakkan diri dari tidak dikata dan difitnah,

adalah perkara paling mustahil untuk dilakukan.

jadi dahulu, aku pernah buat satu resolusi baru,

resolusi untuk diri sendiri.

elak diri dari berkata buruk tentang orang lain.

tampak senang, tapi susah.

aku jadi penat bila lihat kawan, menjadi lawan.

individu yang sebenarnya baik atau tidaklah sejahat mana pun, 

jatuh dan dipulau,

hanya kerana khabar angin yang berpunca dari kata-kata,

yang mulanya ringan, terus berat.

betul, kadang kata-kata ini sangat perlu,

untuk beri peringatan, tentang apa yang akan berlaku jika kamu

berkawan dengan seseorang yang dimaksudkan itu.

tetapi cara penyampaiannya perlu lah dengan cara yang baik,

menasihati, bukan menghasut.

tapi kata-kata bukan mudah untuk di elak.

aku sendiri selalu buat.

betul.

tapi aku cuba kawal. 

terpulang pada kamu semua untuk menilai,

jika kamu bercerita pada aku,
cuba lihat,

adakah cerita kamu itu akan tersebar keesokan harinya atau tidak.

jika kamu hanya bercerita pada aku lah.

tapi jika hari itu kamu sudah bercerita kepada 100 orang yang bertuah.

mungkin kamu perlu mula 'menghitung' kesan kelakuan kamu.

dan mula muhasabah diri.

terima kasih.

start.

Things will be different from now on.

There's no more fantasy and ambition.

Only plans and executions.

I might miss my old routine.

but it is enough to think that things can only get better if I put my soul in it.

Well, if it's not getting any better,

finding a way to escape from it is better than whining 24/7,

about how cruel life is.

am really hope to get out from this mess soon.

It's time to start doing what I am planning to do since forever,

to achieve the best, and be happy in life.

well, if I can't be the best, I'm content with being happy instead. 

january.

is not the month I hoped it would be.

unproductive, no fun, too much drama.

still waiting for the offer though,

I miss the excitement of making stories,

meeting people,

seeing new things.

I hope I can land the job.

circles.

No matter what happens,

They will eventually fall for stupid unreasonable things.

good educations and experiences don't matter.

'Interesting' they say.

they can only see that these articles can bring them... 

happiness,

with complete false promises.

manipulated.

then they raged with words of blame and hate.

only to fall again right after that.

and I can only say,

It would be a never ending boring repetitions.

if you choose to stay with it.

stability.

I hope I can achieve that this year.

politics.

The truth hurts, they say.
but at least, it teaches me to be careful next time.

If only I can turn back the time,
I will change my decision,
and made it all for myself than think about others,

revenge is sweet they say,
but I will not opt for it.
time will heal,
and positive things will happen for sure.

for now, it is all you,
all you,

despite everything that happens,
I will pray for our success.
Nope, I will not do anything,
trust me.

mulut.

Dunia ini tidak berputar mengikut paksi yang kamu mahukan.

bukan semua manusia lahirnya untuk jadi sempurna.

jika semua perlu mengikut acuan yang kamu mahu.

bosan dan tiada berwarna lah.

sedih betul.

ps: avoid heavily judgemental people, people.

new year resolution.

1440 x 900










okay, lame joke is lame.

2011 has been amazing, really.
I wish 2012 to be a breakthrough year.
and yes, to be less hopeful of the unknown, I need to love myself more.

ps: it's still not the time to experiment though, but who knows?

rezeki.

Lebih baik terus mengemukakan fakta, 

dari terus menyalut janji dengan krim susu pekat manis yang kemungkinan besar, 

sudah terlepas tarikh luput.

keep calm, and carry on.

fine.

nope, not the 'saman' one.

let's move on to the next topic shall we?

bermuka-muka.

Itu bahaya.
perlu lebih berhati-hati selepas ini.

lights.

The canvas so colorful before,

are now looking bleak.

the rhythm now,

are not as it use to be.

is it time, or situation ?

that cause the path so bright,

turn gloomy and uncertain now?

questions, predictions,

lingers around my room of thought,

of what will happen next.

"to be or not to be? that is the questions"

ah, I need an inspiration now,

journey.

I wish I can leave all this for a moment,

pack my things, and goes wherever I can.

I feel empty. 

demotivated.

or just maybe I'm too comfortable with things right now.

I don't like it.

masa itu.

pantas.
tidak akan berulang.

pilih.
sama ada ingin lemas kaku ditinggalkan arus.
atau bangun berlawan.

pilih.
untuk menikmati.
atau mati.

reflect.

Maturity is crucial.

it determines every decision one has to make everyday.

it shaped what people sees about an individual.

and it also help someone from doing something that can ruin his image.

So far,

I think,

I'm not matured enough.

but I wonder does maturity grows with age?

because I'm confuse as there are still people who I find,

to be older and matured but, somehow they are,

not matured enough to conclude the meaning behind everything.

so does maturity grows with age?

or maturity itself divided into several categories?

what is the meaning of maturity really?

ah whatever.

I don't know.

but what I do know is,

I'll take everything that I've done as a lesson,

to be better.

screaming and spreading out people's weakness is not my style.

changes.

changes we need.

but too much of it, is not good either.

Things must be kept in balance,

or else, the old stuff will feel that it's no longer be the priority it was back then.

sigh,

assurance.

Weeks gone by..

and I can't believe I've been here for months.

yes, I am exhausted.

but what's need to be done must be done.

I've worked hard.

It's up to decision makers to choose, whether I am worthy or not.

 

sometimes

mahu tidur awal hari ini.
cuba tengok esok akan rasa best atau tidak.

rasanya aku perlu buat twitter account. tidak tahu mahu tulis apa dah panjang-panjang.

first baby.

long sigh of relief.
is the only thing that I can do now.

I'm glad, that I've taken up the challenge.
It's true what they say.
All the pain and suffering that you've endured before,
will all be forgotten soon after it goes on air.

This will be a very late promo.
watch MAGSEVEN at tonton.com.my.
episode 24.
thanks.

fast.

Today and yesterday,
will simply not be the same.

confidence.

skills alone can't guarantee success in your life,
hence, experience plays vital role in determining your every actions.
I've followed someone with huge experience in his hand today.
and for that, I respects his every move and decisions.

and yes, I'll try to learn as much as I can.

visit his blog - http://www.mazidulakmal.com/

tolong.

kadang,
aku juga tak faham.
kalau sudah susah sangat. tutup sahajalah.
bukan tidak mahu tolong.
tapi rasanya sudah penat.
dan kecewa juga barangkali.

adakah tidak faham?
yang aku memerlukan sangat hari ini.
hari untuk aku senyum sepanjang hari.
esok sudah pasti aku sibuk kembali.

tidak sabar aku untuk berdiri sendiri.
kerana pada masa itu,
aku akan nyatakan sendiri,
apa yang aku rasa selama ini.
terima kasih.

pace.

here,
people seems to walk faster than usual,
so I have to adapt with the pace too,
in order to not be left behind.

there are still much to learn,
so far, I'm happy,
and I hope things will be okay,
though I know the worst is still yet to come.